It was an ambitious voyage. It required more advanced planning (sometimes more than 2 weeks!) than we would typically do. There were 11 different flights, 7 different hotels/lodges, a small SUV rental, a defective buggy rental, an estimated 73 boat rides, and only two…I say again…TWO margherita pizzas consumed.
As standby travelers, none of this was certain. The flight to Noronha looked especially dubious and yet we somehow managed a 100% success rate with our first choice of flights. Even on days where we were doing multiple flights, and even when we had to go out of our way to the purgatory of Garulhos airport in Saõ Paulo, we still managed to not have any truly lost days. Our itinerary was ambitious, criss-crossing the country of Brazil and guaranteeing some nice coverage on our pin map of the world. This trip was a true adventure. To the outsider, I am sure it all sounds very exotic. But was it?
Most people aren’t familiar with the Pantanal, but knowing that we saw jaguars and anacondas and caimans (OH MY!), one probably thinks we were like Indiana Jones looking for lost tombs. The fact of the matter is, we were surrounded by a lot of retirees in expensive REI shirts and trousers and sporting even more expensive camera gear. While the Santa Rosa lodge was pretty low to no frills, it was nonetheless a safe place to rest our heads and the only wild animals that would consistently be close were the fearless capybaras.
Unlike the Pantanal, everyone has heard of the Amazon — even if a google search about it keeps trying to direct you to having something shipped overnight by signing up for Prime. The Amazon sounds exotic. We took no chances in our preparation. We had multiple cans of bug spray which we used liberally, waterproof coverings for our backpacks and camera gear, malaria pills, and even special netting that could go over our hats to protect our faces from swarming bugs. We fully expected our lodge to be filled with creepy critters, even if it was nothing more than a minor ant infestation. But there was…nothing.
Occasionally a mosquito, moth, wasp, or fly would sneak into the room when we opened the door, but it was surprisingly tame. You go to the Amazon and think you’ll see some really wild bugs, and then . . .nothing. I was almost disappointed. I recently purchased a macro lens just to take pictures of insects, but I didn’t have a lot of material to work with. Even Nicole modified her views, previously convinced that if she saw a tarantula in person, she would collapse to the ground in disgust. By the end of the trip and somewhere around the 56th boat tour, she posited, “Where are the tarantulas?” “Show me the big spiders. Let’s bring out the goods.”
Furthermore, we’re on the water, so where are the piranhas? This might all sound highly unusual, but when you embark on such a voyage, you have certain expectations of adventure. You buy your ticket, so to speak, by enduring showers that are never a comfortable temperature, washing your hands with water that comes out of the taps brown, and sleeping under mosquito netting. You have suffered the hardships of off-the-grid travel, so reward me with some ugly arachnid or a fish that can smell my blood in the water from great distance.
Nicole and I both had the same reaction to the local village visit. “This guy has cell service!” These local villagers aren’t blowing poison darts to kill fish or shrinking heads in their spare time, they’re hooked up to satellite TV, streaming Netflix, and painting their houses the colors of their favorite football clubs. So why are we all playing pretend back at the lodge like it’s 1926? Is it so we can take pictures of ourselves in our silly outfits and post to social media about how interesting we are? Our friends will think we’re really adventurous and surely be impressed. We never had anything to fear in the Amazon, except maybe heat stroke, or getting slapped in the face by a sardine. If you’re looking for wildlife, or seeing anything closer than 200m, just skip the Amazon entirely and see the Pantanal. That is unless of course, you’re like us, and felt the need to check that Amazon box (and to clarify…not the one that’s currently sitting at your front door and was damaged in transit).
In the times we live in, the previously inaccessible is now within reach of the masses (or the wealthy ones anyway). Nicole compared it to people climbing Mt. Everest. In theory you should be a skilled mountaineer to even attempt it, but in reality, people just bring their cash to make up for their lack of skill. All of this just to be able to say, “Look what I did.” Our experience in the Pantanal is testament to this. Naturally, lots of people want to see the jaguars. But should we all be able to see them at the same time? If all these companies truly cared about preserving the habitat or the jaguars wellbeing, they would put a cap on how many boats should be out on the water at any given time. As long as the money keeps pouring in, this is not going to happen.
And just like Everest, the guides must accommodate all members of the group regardless of skills. Would we have done more hikes into the Amazonian jungle if 1/4 of the group wasn’t vaping? The Uakari lodge probably thinks it’s too much of a liability to bring us into the rainforest for too long regardless of who its attendees are. But to me it was strange to keep sending us out on the boats in the heat of the day over and over and over again. The animals don’t want to play in that climate, so why are we looking for them? There was a British woman in our group who bore striking resemblance to Dame Judi Dench. Like many Brits, she had an uncanny tact for evading negative statements. That is until she uncharacteristically let it all go once at the Tefé airport. “You go left, you go right. (In reference to the endless boat tours from the lodge and the lack of variance) That’s about all there is.” There are tours that do go down the Amazon or its tributaries and make different stops, but if you ever end up in Manaus, you would meet the clientele that do these, and it’s not a good vibe.
Living as we did with poor plumbing, no climate control, persistent sea legs, and few opportunities for pizza, you might be surprised to learn that this was actually a pretty expensive trip. Like a marathon, at times it seems we had paid to suffer. Mercifully, we managed to break up the two more adventurous portions of the trip with something very different. Nicole discovered the island of Noronha simply by looking at a map. In the same way that Mr Poopers (Né Greg) and I “discovered” Phu Quoc island in Vietnam, Nicole led us to a lovely tropical paradise. Even there, the roads weren’t always in good condition, the buggy attempted suicide, and swimming with sharks and rays may not be seen by most as “chill.” However, waking up to lovely ocean vistas and green mountains was a nice intermission of our Brazilian adventure.
So there you have it. I will return to work in a few days and maybe someone will ask about the trip. Since I personally don’t really know anyone else who has done a voyage like this, I’m sure it will all sound very exotic. But as I was discussing with Nicole, once you’ve actually done the thing that seemed exotic, it no longer seems that outlandish. The farfetched no longer a pipe dream; the bucket list item now just a Tuesday in September. It certainly changes how we see the world, and unfortunately creates a wider rift between us and others and what is “normal.” The scale shifts a little bit each time. Having done all these “crazy” trips, we feel like imposters. Everyone sees us as these brave and courageous adventurers, but at the end of the day we’re literally in the same boat as an 80 year old British woman who looks like Dame Judi Dench.
Ultimately this type of adventure travel is actually easy, but there are some hardships that are seemingly written in to the script. The Amazon lodge could easily have set up energy-efficient cooling to make its guests more comfortable. The Santa Rosa in Pantanal could do some updates to make its rooms more inviting or simply include a hair dryer. But perhaps biggest of all, the food options were severely lacking. What does a girl have to do to get a pizza?
