passports & pepto bismol

Despite Nicole’s protestations that New Jersey is the finest place in all the land, I was getting punchy and ready to leave — even if that meant doing one of the craziest nonrev adventures we have ever done — an approximately 14 hour layover in Greenland. Perhaps this needs some explanation…

United started this route from Newark for the summer season. Greenland has never been served from the United States because there wasn’t demand. To be clear, the demand did not grow, but United Airlines felt the need to launch this flight as a sort of PR blitz to show that they are doing something that none of their competitors would bother with.

I still have some days off and Nicole had expressed some interest in venturing there before United inevitably ends the route quietly and never brings it back. The Nuuk airport was only recently updated with a runway expansion that is now long enough to accommodate larger jet aircraft. Prior to this year, only smaller turboprops were capable of landing there.

Joining us for what is possibly the dumbest thing we’ve ever done is Greg. You all remember Greg? I know I do. He anxiously awaited our arrival at Newark airport — having arrived on an earlier flight from Milwaukee. We were cut off by 20+ people in the TSA Pre-Check line because there are no rules or etiquette in Newark’s airport — only the shrieking souls of the damned. Eventually we arrived at Gate C94 into a sea of fellow standby travelers. The flight is on a modest 737-MAX8 — with 40 people on standby. All the freeloading standbys got on, and there were still 30+ open seats. Needless to say, United isn’t really turning profits on this route.

We were awarded seats in the same row in the ass of the plane and departed the gate a few minutes behind schedule. Despite the relatively short duration of the flight, we did get a meal. And also in spite of the short flight, I guess the mere idea of briefly flying overwater to another country required that everyone on the plane go to the bathroom five times and crowd us all in the ass of the plane. Views on the approach were very scenic with glimpses of icebergs and jagged mountain peaks.

Customs took some time because there were only two customs officers, which makes sense. Hard to justify hiring any more for a lightly-loaded flight that arrives only twice a week. After exiting the customs hall, we had to wait for the limited number of taxis to arrive, which also took some time. By the time we arrived at the hotel, it was well after 8 pm. We had thought we booked a room that had a Murphy bed or some sort of couch pull out to accommodate Greg, but even with our supposed “upgrade,” this did not exist. With no other hotel rooms available, one of us would have to sleep on the floor with a duvet. Spoiler alert: it was inevitably going to be Greg.

No time for sleep yet, though! We hit the ground running. We put on our puffy jackets, bundled up and headed out at nearly 9 pm to explore the town of Nuuk. The weather was about 50 degrees, which in the sun was pleasant enough, but with any bit of wind or shade, it was a bit brisk. It was about a 15 minute walk down to the water, where we caught our first glimpse of the trademark colorful houses that one expects to see in these parts.

We lingered at this overlook for some time. Greenland’s weather is notoriously unreliable — often overcast or rainy, so catching the sun’s evening light on these vibrant abodes was a special treat. While at one point, there was another gentleman enjoying the view, we didn’t see anyone else. We therefore wondered what everyone else on our plane was doing. We overheard some saying they couldn’t find hotels, and planned to just spend the whole night walking around until the flight leaves tomorrow morning. Suddenly sleeping on the floor doesn’t sound so bad does it Greg?

With our biggest highlight checked off, we tried to find some dinner. This was a major bust. Everything was closed. The shining sun betrayed the fact that it was after 10pm. Numerous bars were open, but none of them served food. This was a bit problematic. We did find a supermarket that was open late, where we got some touristy magnets in case we aren’t able to find any at the airport later, but otherwise food or baked goods was a bit of a sad display.

When the sun finally set, it got quite a bit colder. We walked along a waterfront boardwalk for a spell, taking in views of apartment blocks that were reminiscent of Soviet housing. We ruminated about how depressing it must be to live here in the winter . . .or maybe just in general. Binge drinking is evidently quite a problem here, and we saw plenty of evidence of this. The bars were, in fact, the only thing open.

Eventually we chanced upon a bar that had some old pastries and muffins sitting behind the counter. We bought a few of these, and combined with the Kind bar that was given to us on the United flight fashioned together the world’s saddest dinner. Having walked the perimeter of the entire town, we returned to the hotel to get set up for a short night of sleep in preparation for the flight back to the United States.