We didn’t have to get up too early this morning for our 1055am flight. There is no included breakfast at the Empire. After all, Hilton Honors Diamond status is worthless here. We bought a couple of pastries at a small bakery/patisserie shop inside the hotel. Breads were displayed in a way that would have been more appropriate for jewelry than baked goods. In any event, I summoned our last Dart and we were off to the airport.
For being just fourth in line for bag drop, it took a surprisingly long amount of time to get all checked in. We were through immigration and security in short order and found ourselves in a rather inactive terminal building with about six gates. We made a few purchases at a gift shop. Nicole saw another stuffed proboscis monkey that she thought looked better than our beloved Milo. What would we do with two, though?! We can’t just drop Milo off at a fire station. It seems in poor taste.
Boarding began just twenty minutes prior to departure, but everyone was situated on the Royal Brunei A320 NEO in time nonetheless. Because we paid for the flight, we had the option to make meal requests ahead of time. I chose the Asian vegetarian option for myself and “Bland” for Nicole. She was a little disappointed because it was a bit more flavorful than she had hoped. As we are now clear of Brunei’s airspace, I can make a few comments about our experience.
Firstly, Sharia law only became instituted in the last decade or so. Was this a reaction to Crown Prince Jefri’s over-the-top lifestyle and behavior? Perhaps. Maybe the sultan felt he had to show that Brunei had actual morals that went beyond naming one’s megayacht, “Tits,” and the yacht tenders “Nipple 1” and “Nipple 2.” I swear to you I’m not making any of this up. It is nonetheless a bit hypocritical to pretend that one’s society is living by the Quran, while your own family is still living the most lavish lifestyle imaginable even after the Crown Prince was removed as finance minister.
Furthermore, Brunei’s geographic location being sandwiched between Sabah and Sarawak allow people who really need their alcohol fix to simply cross a border. There are so many loopholes or laws that simply go unenforced, that the whole Sharia law thing almost seems like a moot point entirely. It all results in a state that locals themselves describe as a very boring place to live. So why would anyone do it?
As the fifth richest country in the world, Brunei has a good deal of wealth to spread around despite its own excesses at the top. Citizens are able to get heavily-subsidized housing through a scheme that basically allows them to own their own house for about $300 per month. Healthcare is ostensibly free, though one of our drivers said it costs $1 for processing. I guess it’s a trade off. You can get a house, free education and healthcare, and live a pretty comfortable life as long as you live a somewhat restricted/controlled and arguably boring life. I think a lot of people would take that deal. And to finish off, I’d like to circle back to some comments I made a few days ago particularly about the religious right in the United States. Sharia law is made to sound very scary in those circles, but what if I told you that Brunei has no income or sales tax. Oh, and gas prices in Brunei are about $0.30 per liter. If that doesn’t sound like a red state paradise, I don’t know what is.
And now we are bound for Thailand along with a full plane of people maybe looking to score some alcohol and cigarettes. Thailand is a place that Nicole and I have been somewhat reluctant to visit because seemingly every other person in the world has been there. Phi Phi island off of Phuket became popularized after The Beach with Leonardo DiCaprio came out more than a decade ago. And while few people going to Phi Phi actually saw the movie, it became THE place to go in Thailand. Then Chiang Mai, all of Phuket, and other Thai locales began to fall prey to overtourism. This kind of thing turns us off.
Nicole accordingly chose to go to Koh Samui, an island that is currently in a sort of shoulder rainy season and supposed to be less popular than Phuket, and less of a party destination. Even after the soberness of Brunei, we don’t crave a party vibe. Also, there’s a Conrad there that Nicole was able to use some Hilton Honors points to score some free nights. She’s a Diamond member you see.
The transfer in Bangkok’s international airport wasn’t the favorite part of our day. There are certainly worse airports in the world, but the sheer volume of passengers all funneling through customs at once was a bit much. We also have a knack for choosing the slowest customs lines when forced to make a decision. Nevertheless, we were able to collect our luggage, check in for our next flight, recheck our bag, and go through security for our Bangkok Airways flight with some time to spare. This connection could not have been done at Heathrow in the allotted time.
We had a row to ourselves on the Bangkok Airways A319. It was a short flight, but they still served a meal, ones that I special ordered. I again got Asian vegetarian, which appears to just be interpreted as Indian food, and Nicole got the “bland” meal, which was interpreted wrong. It came with peppers that Nicole was specifically trying to avoid. I shall have to change our orders for the next flight to avoid this catastrophe.
It did not take long upon landing in Koh Samui to collect our luggage and get our rental car — a right-hand drive Toyota Yaris. Our first order of business was to do some laundry. The Conrad would no doubt be pricey, and we had done the bare minimum in Brunei because of their costs. We were running quite low on clothes, though I do have one t-shirt that has not yet been worn. It is offensive to wear things with pig imagery in predominantly Muslim countries, so I thought it best to not wear my Farm to Table t-shirt featuring a pig approaching a table to consult a menu.
I had been messaging a woman through WhatsApp to inquire about turnover time etc. When we dropped our clothes off at her laundry business enroute, she was also willing to drop them off at the Conrad in person since her house is over there. The island of Koh Samui takes about one hour to drive across, and to get from the airport to the Conrad takes the whole hour. We saw a lot of white tourists on scooters driving badly, so it was a relief that they all kind of disappeared about halfway into our drive. Minus the occasional monitor lizard crossing the road, our progress was relatively unimpeded and we reached the Conrad around 530pm.
After getting our welcome drink, we settled into our room which was upgraded to a Five-Island Villa. All rooms here come with their own pool, but I suppose the “Five-Island” villa may have a slightly better view of the five islands? The room at the Conrad was the usual large spaciousness we have come to expect from staying at Conrads. This is now our THIRD one. Craziness.
After settling in, we needed to get some food. Having barely picked at her bland meal, Nicole was especially hungry and went for a margherita pizza. The Conrad does have a Thai restaurant as well, but being a Conrad, everything is a bit overpriced so we went for a simpler option. After a long day of travel and shuffling about in airports, it was time to finally relax under the stars on the quiet side of Koh Samui.
passports & pepto bismol 